Spiritualiy as self-improvement? On nothingness....

Watching a program on T.V. on meditation for inmates of a local prison today, I was struck by the way in which a small number of them was being introduced to meditation techniques by Buddhists from their area. The program included impressive, even moving scenes of their meditation, singing, ceremonies, silence, postures and induction. There were also a few interviews in which the inmates spoke of the transformation they experienced since beginning with the meditation. One of them even said he told his father that he did not want to leave prison because, in the hustle and bustle of daily life, would not have the time to care for his inner self and being as he could do in prison!


What intrigued me was how focussed these people were on experiencing something with which they could transcend their past. They applied their minds with intensity to their meditation and rituals. Their hands folded in a posture of prayer, the body siting quietly on the mat, ever so often touching the floor with their head, singing droning, melodic, soft, pleasing sounds, resonating with bodily movements and gestures – all clearly done with attention and dedication.

And yet I experienced in myself distance, almost an apprehension about their focus on the inner self, but especially about the way in which they spoke of meditation as self-improvement. They exert themselves, breathing carefully, aware of the here and the now, but they do it to become more quiet, more at peace, “better” people.

This feeling left me wondering about my apprehension. I was reminded of the element of nothingness which is so central to the mystical experience. The person who is longing for God in prayer, becomes aware, at some stage, of the divine presence. Through his or her experience there is an awareness that his longing is no longer in focus, but there is now in the foreground some form of the divine presence. He or she feels God is moving to the centre of the experience. This presence of the divine becomes so overwhelming that it finally creates a feeling of ecstacy – not necessarily in a sensational way, but simply in the sense of loosing awareness of oneself, moving away from one’s consciousness of oneself. One is no longer bound to the self. In this ecstacy, one is un-bound from the self. It does not really matter who you are. There is an awareness that I should become less, the divine should become more. “I am not worthy to untie” (John 1). God becomes everything, I become nothing. Nothing-ness! I am crucified in Christ. I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. It is a deep desire to exist in God, to return to God, from where one came. To give up one’s reality for the divine reality.

I am intrigued by the discipline with which the inmates meditate and seek self-improvement. To some extent they seek to flee from the past, to reduce the baggage of what went wrong with them. To some extent it may even be an attempt to reduce the past to nothingness and to overcome that burden by entering a new life of self-betterment and self-growth.

And yet, I wonder about the these attempts. True mysticism does not try to present the self in a neat, new format. It leaves it behind, it abandons it for something more valuable, more fulfilling. It implies sacrificing awareness of and the self. It even entails desiring the end of the self.

This happens because one is aware of the graceful love of God. In this bright light of grace, the self, by way of speaking, melts away. The movement towards the divine Presence radiating the glow of true life and joy, releases one from pre-occupation with that which is limited, mortal, temporary. One is involved in a relationship with the Other, face to face with the One who is incomprehensible, yet so intimately involved with us on our spiritual journey. In true mysticism, there is no longer the contemplation of the self, but the contemplation of God, the One who is so different, so incomprehensible, but yet so close. For this Love, one needs to be a space so empty, so completely nothing, that Love can exist in its widest sense of the word in our existence.